The Lemon Tree Day

I’m inside my room and I look outside, the sky is gloomy. I feel so low and I couldn't go out or do anything. I’m just not in the mood. A few hours ago I was just playing this Lemon Tree song with my ukulele. Then suddenly it hit me . . .

I'm sitting down here in the boring room

It's just another rainy Sunday afternoon

I'm wasting my time

I got nothing to do

I'm hanging around I'm waiting for you

But nothing ever happens

And I wonder . . .

I am watching myself right now. One teardrop, two, three . . . I couldn't stop. I've never felt so low before. This is the first time this has ever happened since I left.

I wonder how

I wonder why

Yesterday you told me 'bout the blue, blue sky

And all that I can see is just a yellow lemon tree

I'm turning my head up and down

I'm turning, turning, turning, turning, and turning around

And all that I can see is just another lemon tree

I was thinking about the places I couldn't visit. All the things that went wrong couldn't escape my mind, was it just because I didn't work hard enough. I couldn't understand why I couldn't stop comparing myself to others.

Yesterday someone told me about the blue, blue sky, and all I can I see is just a yellow lemon tree . . . Desperation. Everything went inside my head all at the same time, what I should do, where to go from here, why I couldn't do it. I’m sinking . . . .

I'm sitting here

I miss the power

I'd like to go out

Taking a shower

But there's a heavy cloud inside my head

I feel so tired, put myself into bed

But nothing ever happens

And I wonder

Worry, loneliness, depression and suffering. I’m all over the place. Where did all these come from? DESIRES. I am tired of wanting. I don’t want to want anything. I watch myself. I know this is not me. This is the pain-body attacking me. I am not tied to any of these feelings. There is no such thing as pursuit of happiness. It’s already right here, right now, in me. I just couldn't see it but I know I will. I just need to hit the bottom so hard that in the end I wouldn't be able to feel anything anymore.

I don’t know if I should still use the past and future tense here. It does not seem right to follow these grammatical rules anymore. There is no time. This could be my last day. I’ll play the Lemon Tree with my ukulele until I’m good at it.

Isolation is not good for me

Isolation

I don't want to sit on a lemon tree

I'm stepping around in the desert of joy

Maybe anyhow I'll get another toy

And everything will happen

And you'll wonder

I have to let it all go and keep the past dead. There’s no tomorrow anymore, the future is a mystery. I wouldn't wait for someone to move the mountains for me. There are no other places to go to in this world, there is only here. There is no other time, there is only now. There is no one else but me.